I have been having these thoughts in my head for about a month now. Why am i actually checking men out??! I feel bad for doing this. Like i am not supposed to be thinking these thoughts and feeling these things. Is this what God really intended for me? And this is so much harder than any relationship with a women i have encountered. I have high hopes for the upcoming months. I feel as if God is changing me from the inside out. Although I AM in a bad mix up with the roomie, ill have to pray about it. I don't know who to talk to about this feeling (being as everyone who has ever known me knows I'm gay) OR am I? i have never had a feeling so awesome in my entire life.

Jeff: A cool guy from the gym who happens to like talking to me..But is he flirting?! I don't even know what "straight" flirting consists of? And how long will it take for him to ask me to have coffee with him?! AND who can i tell aside from the only person who has ever gone though this herself.. Les. best friend and confidant.. AND even then she would never truly understand what I'm going through because its me.. not her. ya' know

And then there is ERIKA:

My room mate (now) and an ex whom i moved here with to get my life together, and to be free of distractions.. but now that I'm not in love with her, and have to live here till December, this changes a lot of things..

I CANT DATE.. even if i wanted to .

I feel trapped.

And this feeling overwhelms my thoughts.

Daily.

Why did God do this at such a crucial time in my life?!

And how do I KEEP telling her (WITH OUT getting upset, as i have been ) to stop coming up behind me and trying to hug me, as if i were hers?

Is she not understanding that GOD himself has changed me?!

For the better?

I don't want to be the reason she hates GOD.?!!

She has told me several times that she thinks god forgot about her.

This is like a stab to the heart.

i caused this...

Why is this falling on my shoulders..

and what can i do besides pray for things to get better?!